Walls & Growth

I met someone recently who I got to know over a span of about four weeks but with whom I wouldn’t exactly say I meshed well – if I’m being honest, I’d have to say there were many instances where I felt this person rubbed me exactly the wrong way. On one of our last interactions, this person approached me to say they understood me and hoped that I would find my way out of my darkness. It was a well-intentioned statement but my immediate reaction was a swell of anger and (in my head) “Fuck you. You don’t know me. I don’t have fucking darkness.”

Pause.

Oh shit.

Okay, I’ll admit it. It’s been such a struggle getting my ass kicked by life and love and we all go through versions of it but sometimes I feel like I’ve been beaten to a pulp and am still too mushy in places to take any more hits. My sensitive ass has learned how to convincingly front like I can block it all out when meanwhile I am absorbing and surpressing all shades of red – the deepest love and rage – with a side of “trust no one, not even yourself”. I thought the last couple years I had been doing well because I had everything I needed without being invested too heavily in anything. I kept busy working two jobs, reading, cooking, maintaining a couple of close friendships and always squeezing in playtime with my nephew.

Shit started falling apart after quitting my part-time job as a barista. I lost my community and then ended a meaningful relationship which led me to question everything I was doing and the lack of meaning in my life. When all the signs for travel started appearing I went with it because fuck it, I had nothing to lose or gain by staying. With my bubble mostly gone I figured I could go on independently in the world, no attachments, no dependence or needs and I could just explore for a while until I figured out my next move. I faked it pretty well for two months (I think) but I wasn’t prepared for the heart-wrench, lump-in-throat feeling that came with being in the community at Punta Mona. Everybody just radiated with creative expression and love. So much wildness, enthusiasm, care and fucking brilliant people being free. The kindness shared was unreal. Each community circle at lunch and dinner was truly beautiful and heart-warming to me. The love for the sun, rain, earth, plants, animals and stars was REAL. The stark contrast of my own closed-off, guarded personality hit me with intensity. There was no room for rage anymore but a form of love and joy that I had no means of expressing after being effectively closed off for so long. Some of us learn that deep love comes hand-in-hand with deep pain and to allow exposure to one means to accept the other with certainty. So instead of opening the floodgates I chose the low flow option. It’s much easier to control a trickle than a storm. This is how I maintain but it’s fucked up because in this journey to become free I am trapping myself. In my aim to be true, I am hiding. And the storm comes regardless – my cowardly apologies.

I’m in Monteverde now with my hands in the dirt pulling weeds, tending the earth and planting new coffee plants that will in time be fruitful and I know that this is saludable por mi mente, mi cuerpo y mi alma. I will keep on this path of travel and self-improvement because that friend was right, I do have darkness to overcome. I’m learning to trust and be compassionate in new ways because that’s what others have given me and it’s therapeutic as fuck. Also, another friend told me that when you’re in the right place at the right time you can just feel that it’s right and I know right now there is nowhere else I need to be, nothing else I need.

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