Ambivalence is the perfect signal of internal conflict and I’ve used it to explore almost all aspects of my life. It’s that struggle of having opposing feelings about something or someone making it hard to resolve how you ultimately feel and/or confounding the decisions you want to make with regards to that thing or person.
The feeling of ambivalence makes us uncomfortable and can be rationalized into submission if we want OR it can be a crux point where change happens. I have struggled for a while now about my feelings towards work – enjoying the challenges and people while hating the lifestyle imposed on me (sitting all day, occupying the best hours of my day and best days of my life, etc.). If I played out the next 5-10 years of my life, I could see what my potential to achieve would be as well as what the limitations on my life would be but it was hard to determine an alternative.
I’ve received some undeserved praise I think for going abroad to volunteer but the truth is I’ve been mostly looking for an escape over the past year or so. In addition to my ambivalent feelings about work, I’ve become somewhat consumed with frustration over the modern way of life. Whether that’s mostly because I regret what our consumerist culture is doing to our world or whether it’s because despite my best efforts I continue to miss the marks of socially-recognized measures of success, I can’t exactly say. Nevertheless, the combination of factors has resulted in my increasing cynicism and need to break out before I spiral too far downward.
Self-reflection has brought me here and while I’m completely satisfied with the path my life has taken, the opportunities afforded to me and the internal personal growth I’ve experienced as a result, I also now feel completely mis-matched to this way of living right now and almost like I’m tired. Tired of swimming against the current; tired of constantly having to defend myself – why I’m not interested in getting my nails done or wearing high heels, why I’m still not married, why I choose to read rather than to have a social life, and why all the above choices don’t mean I’m a crazy cat lady in the making.
I don’t mean to get too serious or rant excessively but again I want to share a bit of my own perspective because it helps build the context to my actions. There are push and pull factors to everything and I’m explaining the push part here. I could ramble for some more paragraphs easily but I’ll stop now in hopes that I’ve gotten my view across and perhaps even given some food for thought.
Thanks again for following and reading.