Recalibrating

Haven’t posted in a while but it’s not because I have nothing to say and it’s also not because I haven’t had the time. As mentioned, one of the reasons I decided to travel was because I was unsatisfied with my life in Toronto. Part of that was due to the lifestyle I was living but part of it was also an internal tugging that was telling me there was something more and that I could figure it out if I left behind everything to go travel. Well I guess I’ve been on a fragile path lately being hit with many realizations and not knowing what or how to express.

Following synchronicities and intuition has definitely led me to have experiences that have been right for me, whether presenting me with the right challenges, opportunities for growth or just really special moments that have confirmed my path. I’ve been able to really focus on internal, personal growth. Books and podcasts and conversations with awesome people have been instrumental for this; each appropriately finding me at the right moments as well. Still a work in progress but my mind is much more clear with regards to many things including emotions from the past which have been tainting my present reality.

The details I’ll save for another post but for now understanding and patience are what’s driving me. At the same time, the increasing clarity has created a greater drive in me to find direction/focus. Ruling out what I don’t want has been much easier than deciding what I do want and when you have a year in front of you, it seems like plenty of time to figure it out however in my 7th month of travel now it feels like the months are flying by…but it’s definitely becoming more clear and I know where my heart is.

What am I doing? I am recalibrating. Away from unnecessary stressors and inputs, I am at a lake in the mountains, where the air is clear and where I help tend to plants, chickens and the land; where I live in an ever-changing but stable community of like-minded people who work together to design and maintain a regenerative living space.

In the “real” world, I’m 32 starting again with almost nothing to present by the 1st world societal standard for a person of my age. In another sense, I took a path that I realized was in the wrong direction for me and decided consciously to acknowledge that and reroute with more insight and purpose. I can’t say I have any regret though it is definitely a jolt to the system (personally and macro-scale ;)). It’s a climb that’s worth it.

Patience is key with many things in life, subtle signs will lead the way. Stay open y’all ❤️

Late Post (written June 17th)

Spontaneous decision-making still running off the current of synchronicities.

Sometimes change flows in a way that feels like a natural beginning and ending to each experience but sometimes change requires a hard decision and some form of sacrifice. I’ve mostly been able to make relatively easy decisions in my travels because usually they have been decisions to extend my stay in a place that feels right but recently, I hit a bump in my experience and have been feeling the pull to bail out early, which if you’ve ever felt the itch that comes with disconnection you’ll understand.

I was planning on staying in Pedasí, Panama until around the end of July thinking I would likely catch a flight to Colombia after this reforestation project. Truth is, I got to Pedasí and found love for this little town – houses with so many flowering plants and fruit trees you can’t help but smile, a 45-min walk to the beach for beautiful moment alone to absorb it all in, and a cute little panaderia with amazing croissants and café – but I haven’t been clicking with the reforestation project. This due to no fault of the project but a lack of connection to where my own interests lie.

I could have mustered up the persistence and followed through with the commitment I felt I had made to the project but my conscious was telling me there would be greater integrity in following my own truth. It might just be a rationalization to feel less guilty but you can feel a difference in existence when you are doing something with a full heart versus when you have one that is wavering and it manifests in all sorts of ways. Hence sometimes it is better to let go.

So now what?

Colombia had been in the plans but another path has been pulling me. I reached out to a friend in Guatemala after the volcano erupted there to check in that all was well and this started the ball rolling. All the signs started pointing me there so I’ll be heading to Guatemala in a few days to help my friend with an herbal clinic for volcano survivors and then staying to volunteer at the Fungi Academy.

The rainy season has begun here and for me it’s feeling like a period of many changes, internal and external. I’ve been keeping up the meditation practice and change in perspective from the 10 days I spent in Vipassana meditation as well as the vegetarian diet. I’m still fighting old patterns of behaviour and habits of thought but a journey worth having is never a short one. I hope that in sharing I am contributing to the positive motivational forces for self-development, love and compassion that exists in the world which I regularly am fueled by.

Much love to all ❤️

Encouragement

Feeling a little nervous about the days to come. Sometimes travelling is the adventurous part of the journey but it’s also hectic, uncertain, squishy and a lot of thinking time. If I can burn through a couple podcasts, its great but sometimes I start listening and then my mind goes off on its own hectic, uncertain journey.

In terms of transport, San Blas was supposed to be a figure-it-out-as-I-go trip but after various conversations and some personal debate I decided to take a shuttled tour to the islands. It seemed expensive though and since I don’t swim I typically find myself with little to do on beaches and I’m not particularly inclined to them. For this reason, I thought about skipping San Blas but after a week in the city a change of pace seemed necessary. Also, a friend recommended San Blas to me (all her other recommendations were thus far on point) and I skipped Bocas del Toro so I figured I could shoulder the cost. Glad for that!

The Guna Yala Islands (renamed from San Blas by the indigenous people in 2011) are incredible. The moment I stood on the dock on Panama’s Caribbean coast I could feel that the environment held something new for me. Sometimes a city is a city or a beach is a beach, but sometimes you come upon an environment that is far out of ordinary and has its own ways which forces you to reset the things you think you know. This, I’m learning, is one of the beauties of travelling.

The magnificently clear waters and scattered beige islands with palm trees were unreal to me. It was like a postcard or a travel ad; a place that looks so beautiful it’s out of reach – or undeserved.

There are 355 islands and 49 communities, all belonging to the Guna people after their revolution in 1925. The Guna have designated some islands for their people to live on while others are for tourism. Tourism is currently what brings in the most money to the islands but the Guna don’t require much money between themselves. They still live on the philosophy that the land gives freely and so they should do the same with one another. Giving and trading is the way their people acquire what they need and it seems clear that the Guna people recognize that they don’t need much to live.

Personally, being out of my normal comfort zone in terms of the landscape, I didn’t set my expectations high but somehow it seems to chance that the right circumstances find me and give me more than I could have asked for at times I least expect it. So cliche but true. Part of this is meeting awesome people who share a similar mindset which is now starting to become a given wherever I go. I can’t have enough gratitude for this because when you’re constantly moving locations and meeting “strangers”, it’s the one thing that for me has created instant bonds and more significantly, it’s an encouraging sign to keep going in the direction I’m headed. However it was new friendships and encouragement that was highlighted for me this time.

Encouragement is so key and I’ve downplayed it’s value a lot in my own life I guess because encouragement has up until now been more like peer pressure. Not that I’m easily swayed by others but I’ve seen and experienced enough situations where this type of encouragement has opposed a person’s (or my own) better instincts and has oftentimes had negative results. However, it seems that when encouragement is a push that aligns with instinct it is transformational. New friends have encouraged a lot of amazing experiences into existence for me and in Guna Yala I got my first experience snorkelling because of it. There would have been no way I would have jumped off a boat into the sea (even with a life jacket) to see the variety of starfish metres below us if it hadn’t been for the encouragement of a new friend. It was like facing a fear of heights by jumping out of a plane with the life jacket as my parachute. Even after I managed to let go of my deathly grip on the boat, looking down into the depth of the water was another matter. But I did it and it was freakin amazing and worth it! Encouragement!!

Back from San Blas now and in 2 days I’ll be in a 10-day silent Vipassana Meditation. I’m looking forward to this but it has also crossed my mind that 10 days seated in silence will be intense. I’m intimidated but again encouraged to jump off the boat in my mind and let the meditation centre this time be my life jacket.