Recalibrating

Haven’t posted in a while but it’s not because I have nothing to say and it’s also not because I haven’t had the time. As mentioned, one of the reasons I decided to travel was because I was unsatisfied with my life in Toronto. Part of that was due to the lifestyle I was living but part of it was also an internal tugging that was telling me there was something more and that I could figure it out if I left behind everything to go travel. Well I guess I’ve been on a fragile path lately being hit with many realizations and not knowing what or how to express.

Following synchronicities and intuition has definitely led me to have experiences that have been right for me, whether presenting me with the right challenges, opportunities for growth or just really special moments that have confirmed my path. I’ve been able to really focus on internal, personal growth. Books and podcasts and conversations with awesome people have been instrumental for this; each appropriately finding me at the right moments as well. Still a work in progress but my mind is much more clear with regards to many things including emotions from the past which have been tainting my present reality.

The details I’ll save for another post but for now understanding and patience are what’s driving me. At the same time, the increasing clarity has created a greater drive in me to find direction/focus. Ruling out what I don’t want has been much easier than deciding what I do want and when you have a year in front of you, it seems like plenty of time to figure it out however in my 7th month of travel now it feels like the months are flying by…but it’s definitely becoming more clear and I know where my heart is.

What am I doing? I am recalibrating. Away from unnecessary stressors and inputs, I am at a lake in the mountains, where the air is clear and where I help tend to plants, chickens and the land; where I live in an ever-changing but stable community of like-minded people who work together to design and maintain a regenerative living space.

In the “real” world, I’m 32 starting again with almost nothing to present by the 1st world societal standard for a person of my age. In another sense, I took a path that I realized was in the wrong direction for me and decided consciously to acknowledge that and reroute with more insight and purpose. I can’t say I have any regret though it is definitely a jolt to the system (personally and macro-scale ;)). It’s a climb that’s worth it.

Patience is key with many things in life, subtle signs will lead the way. Stay open y’all ❤️

Late Post (written June 17th)

Spontaneous decision-making still running off the current of synchronicities.

Sometimes change flows in a way that feels like a natural beginning and ending to each experience but sometimes change requires a hard decision and some form of sacrifice. I’ve mostly been able to make relatively easy decisions in my travels because usually they have been decisions to extend my stay in a place that feels right but recently, I hit a bump in my experience and have been feeling the pull to bail out early, which if you’ve ever felt the itch that comes with disconnection you’ll understand.

I was planning on staying in Pedasí, Panama until around the end of July thinking I would likely catch a flight to Colombia after this reforestation project. Truth is, I got to Pedasí and found love for this little town – houses with so many flowering plants and fruit trees you can’t help but smile, a 45-min walk to the beach for beautiful moment alone to absorb it all in, and a cute little panaderia with amazing croissants and café – but I haven’t been clicking with the reforestation project. This due to no fault of the project but a lack of connection to where my own interests lie.

I could have mustered up the persistence and followed through with the commitment I felt I had made to the project but my conscious was telling me there would be greater integrity in following my own truth. It might just be a rationalization to feel less guilty but you can feel a difference in existence when you are doing something with a full heart versus when you have one that is wavering and it manifests in all sorts of ways. Hence sometimes it is better to let go.

So now what?

Colombia had been in the plans but another path has been pulling me. I reached out to a friend in Guatemala after the volcano erupted there to check in that all was well and this started the ball rolling. All the signs started pointing me there so I’ll be heading to Guatemala in a few days to help my friend with an herbal clinic for volcano survivors and then staying to volunteer at the Fungi Academy.

The rainy season has begun here and for me it’s feeling like a period of many changes, internal and external. I’ve been keeping up the meditation practice and change in perspective from the 10 days I spent in Vipassana meditation as well as the vegetarian diet. I’m still fighting old patterns of behaviour and habits of thought but a journey worth having is never a short one. I hope that in sharing I am contributing to the positive motivational forces for self-development, love and compassion that exists in the world which I regularly am fueled by.

Much love to all ❤️

Random thoughts

It’s funny I have no clue whether anyone ever reads this thing since I don’t have the monitoring application installed on my iPad so it basically feels like I’m writing a journal to leave in public and it’s weird but cool. It’s probably better to not have immediate feedback as with Instagram ‘likes’ or such – def not New Yorker material here but whether you’re still reading or not it’s all good. Doing something for it’s own sake is the best way to be happy and I really think that in some ways it’s a shame that we tie work to money, entangling livelihood with passion.

There are many thoughts that I struggle with on a day-to-day basis and writing is often the best way for me to work out those thoughts – there is time to reflect and re-read to see if I’m making a logical argument or just full of shit. It’s a struggle particularly because a lot of what I believe is outside of the mainstream and talking about it almost comes off as an insult or idiocy to those who embody the ideas I challenge which is not my intention at all. I think it’s important not to get caught up with classifying ideas as good or bad, right or wrong. Most things truly are subjective and if people didn’t have right to challenge them, well we might as well be in North Korea. In an age of political correctness, I think in many situations we are limiting our expression in order to appease folks who like neat little boxes for everything or are just overly sensitive. Maybe also a product of our culture is our need for a rapid-fire response as opposed to a delayed, thoughtful one. Question, clarify, challenge, provoke!

It’s been greatly inspiring and motivating meeting so many people during the last 7 weeks here who are doing their own thing; others in my peer group who like me have chosen not to settle but instead explore; families who are motivated to travel and expose their children to other cultures; retired folks who have many detailed adventures behind them and are yet collecting more. To all I owe much gratitude for helping ease my mind about my own decisions and thoughts. It feels right and I’m constantly inspired by others who are living unique lives, pushing boundaries and thinking outside the box. I’ve been surrounded by others whose values resonate with my own; others who coincidentally have interests in the same things; repeat my thoughts but aloud in the following moment. This is synchronicity and I’ll take it as my guide. Get rid of all desires, fears, and most of all ego and I believe synchronicity will find you and catch you in its current. It’s true we have to get out of our own way before we can let it but your fate is yours once you accept it.

I still struggle however with the idea of carrying the shit from “real life”. I admire those who follow politics or business or even certain tidbits of pop culture but a part of me can’t help feeling it is more or less meaningless. It’s nice to know what’s going on in the world but to what end is it useful other than in conversation? Through our political vote? I’m not so sure…If we all chose to check out, the system would be a farce. It currently is a farce but we play along giving it merit. Systems and institutions don’t give a shit about people – people have nuanced circumstances and responses, the system has rules and procedures; people often follow tit-for-tat rules of engagement but in the system you’re expected to keep doing right even when you are wronged time after time; systems pitch ideas that are ineffectively filtered and accepted by people because our filters have been warped by it. I sure we wouldn’t make the same choices if the other options were clear.

Our deepest impact and responsibility is first with ourselves. How hard do we work to make ourselves better people? Not better as in better looking or having more economic value but better as in more trustworthy, more reliable, more self-sufficient, more generous, more sympathetic. We look to other people and things to add value to our lives but we haven’t given all we can to ourselves, internally. We can’t affect change in other people, and likewise other people won’t be able to help us, we can only become less of a burden by taking care of ourselves. Independence is a gift; a gift to ourselves and a gift to those with whom we have relationships because love is truer when it is not based on dependence.

I know I constantly risk sounding like an ignorant fool and I’ll admit to an extent that I am (though I wouldn’t say blissfully so). I am to my core a pragmatist and if there is no immediate utility to something, it will be lost on me. I’m observing from an obtuse angle; I try to consider more critically the conditions of people as a whole. I can’t live in a blind state because at some point I embrace my own frustration as a sign which leads me to question and analyze. I’m blessed for that though it might sound like the opposite.

Anyway, on to the next…my time at La Mariposa, as mentioned, has been really great from beginning to end. Next I’ll be on to the island of Ometepe for about a week then my next 3 weeks are booked for a permaculture design & herbalist course which I’m super excited for!!

My apologies for so much rambling but thanks for reading!! ❤❤❤✌🏼